When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Current mood: giggly
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I got a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It says do not disturb...it's time we go with don't disturb. It's been do not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." Do not psychs you out. Do...alright, I get to disturb this guy...Not - Shit! I need to read faster.

My hotel doesn't have a thirteenth floor because of superstition. But, come on man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401. No you're not. Jump out the window, you will die earlier. Cause thirteen's an unlucky number, right? Well so should the letter "b" be, because B looks like a scrunched together 13. Hello, what is your name? Bob. Get the fuck away!

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. Want some more homemade Sprite? Not till you figure out what the fuck else is in it.

I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't man? Sandwiches are easy to eat. But I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much fucking meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with two crackers on the end. What would you like, sir? A pastrami sandwich. Anything else? Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait.

I saw this guy juggling chainsaws. It was cool, but unless something needs to be sawed down, then it's just annoying.

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but I said, fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could talk, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head. Nothing but fish going "ah, fuck, I thought I looked like that rock."

I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know crazy straws, they go all over the place? These fucking straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They said we're going straight to the mouth. That fucker that takes a while to get there, he's crazy.

I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, I pushed it twice. Fucking potato chips came out, man. Because, they had a HH button, for Christ's sake. You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA, BB, CCs. God God, damn it damn it.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I got a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but I guess if one came over, he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you. It is to your exact specifications. I did not know you guys were all the same size.

I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender...you just say what the thing does, then you add "er."

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be: that's not my fucking foot!

You know when they show someone on tv washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, cause that thing would knock you on your ass.

I wanna climb a mountain, not so I can get to the top, cause I wanna hang out at base camp. That scene's fucking fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around. Hey, you going to the top? Soon.

I saw this lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals. She was saying "he loves me, he loves me not." Thank God the flower can't talk, what would it say? "Fuck that hurts! Fuck, that hurts as well! Fuck! Leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty. And he loves you not. I could've told you I had an even number of petals!"

I shouldn't do this joke, cause it's gonna blow my cover, but I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.

You can have this product for four easy payments. I'd like to have three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker. The last payment must be paid in wampum.

See, I write jokes for a living. I sit in my hotel room at night and try to think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny.

You can smoke a Minnesota Club, right? Can you? [Guy in audience: You can!] I can? Well who the fuck am I? Mitch Hedberg, that's right.